


falling in love with the memory of you

by moonlightbabe1



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Broken Louis, Don't Examine This Too Closely, M/M, Male Homosexuality, One-Sided Attraction, Past Abuse, Self-Acceptance, Short, Top Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-14 03:34:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9158314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlightbabe1/pseuds/moonlightbabe1
Summary: Louis and Harry have broken up. Louis doesn't want to get back together. Harry does.





	1. "This Is Why I Can't Love You"

**Author's Note:**

> _I read Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur the other day and her emotions and overall beautiful writing have inspired me to write this short story, I know her writing is 200 times better than mine, but I hope you look past my flaws and enjoy it._
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> _This story is for everyone, including myself, that is afraid to love because past experiences have brought them pain. Learn to love others and yourself again. **I** believe in **you**._
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> _This didn't happen to me in real life, only some, don't try and figure it out because you'll ruin the point of story._

**Disclaimer** : _I don't support abusive relationships. This is my way of releasing my sentiments by using characters._

 

  
Louis and Harry have broken up. Louis doesn't want to get back together. Harry does.  
  
They write each other letters some times.

* * *

  
“This Is Why I Can't Love You”

  
Harry, I wasn't planning on writing this to you, especially after everything that has happened between you and me.  
  
Please ignore this if you ever happen to find it in your post box.  
  
Harry you have given me so many special moments and many shitty moments, as well, but we’re not counting those right now. We’re counting the ones when you’d give me the moon and I’d struggle to give you the stars.  
  
You deserve a galaxy of stars, Harry, and I couldn’t even give you half of that.  
  
I cant love you right now because we’re so alike it's scary. We can't be together because opposites attract. Because when we’re laying in bed, kissing and making friction with our bodies, I have a thousand other thoughts running through my head when I should only be thinking about you and how good you are.  
  
You're so good, Harry. Too good. Despite the 3 a.m cigarette smoke blowing in my face and the broken wine glasses on the floor after a breakdown, you made me feel like I was flying.  
  
Excuse the tear stains and the crumpled paper, I’ve been doing a thousand rough drafts of this letter. I can't believe I'm  not even good enough at writing a simple letter to you. Forgive me.  
  
I can't love you right now, Harry, because you’re dopy  green eyes on Sunday mornings are everything I wish to see every day. Because your favorite sweatshirt is still in the back of my drawer, keeping me company when I miss you.  
  
I can't love you because when I miss you I do terrible things to myself, my daily ritual will soon turn into a weekly ritual and then into a monthly habit and so on. Until I forget about you and your early Sunday walks through London. I don't think that I’d be able to forget you, you hold that special place in my heart. I never want to let go of  the memory of you.  
  
London is a place that I don't visit anymore, Harry. Without you the streets and sidewalks just don't have the same magic as they once did. All I notice is the traffic and the crying children. I can't find that spark that London used to have.  
  
Because without you nothing is the same. Without you everything is black and white and yet I won't answer your phone calls and messages. Forgive me, I have a horrible way of coping with things.  
  
All I think about is the nights when we’d dance in the kitchen to those 90’s music groups that you like. When everything we had to light up the kitchen was the refrigerator light. Don't think of me when you walk past the fridge.  
  
Don't think of me because you’ll get sad and nobody knows how to get you to cheer up like I do. They don't know what you like and what you don't like, not even Gemma can make that sweet smile of yours appear.  
  
Listen to Gemma, Harry. Listen to her when she tells you that you deserved better, that I wasn't even that cute. Don't get angry with her, just listen. She knows what she's talking about.  
  
Harry, when we were together for seven months, you told me you loved me and fireworks went off in my heart. I was so afraid you’d hear how fast it was beating. And then you stayed quiet, hoping I would return the same three words.  
  
And when minutes passed and  I didn't, when I just stared at you with wide eyes, you knew. You knew that I didn't have a response and I could tell that you were a bit disappointed. But you still understood, you understood that I wasn't ready.  
  
You understood that I had given everything I had to my last partner, that I had wasted all my seven month 'I love you’s' on someone that didn't deserve them.  
  
I was scared of falling in love with you to much, because I'm afraid you’ll get bored of me and my dorky habits.  
  
Harry, don't knock on my door. Don't look for me because I'm a mess. I’m a horrible mess and it's all my fault, so let me fix the mess I made.  
  
Let me pick up all of my broken pieces and duct tape them back together. You’d super glue them and make sure they're secure, but you know I’m not good at arts and crafts.  
  
Harry, I'm falling in love with the memory of you. How can I make it stop? Send me the instructions to this address, please.  
  
I just can't stop thinking about your body against mine in the shower and how we talked about getting married in the hotel suite you paid for on our anniversary.  
  
I can't love you right now but I'm falling in love with the memory of your smile.  
  
Harry, I didn't fall in love with your gifts and kisses. Or your motivational speeches to get me to wake up for work on Mondays. I fell in love with your heart and soul.  
  
And I was afraid to hurt you because I'm really bad at expressing my emotions.  
  
And my worst fear came true, Harry.  
  
I hurt you, more than you could have ever hurt me. Because on our first anniversary I told you that I loved you.  
  
And a week later, I left you.  
  
I can't love you right now, Harry. I can't and you're the only person that I'll ever be able to love. I'm sorry I wasted all my ‘I love you’s’ on an idiot.  
  
I'm sorry for falling in love with your soul instead of with your kisses. It would have been easier to forget you if that were the case.  
  
I cant love you right now, Harry, because I'm in a constant battle with my thoughts. But I _will_ love you, Harry. Once all my broken pieces have been duct taped.  
  
And then I'll know what you've been feeling all this time.  
  
I'm so grateful for you, Harry, and everything you've shown me along the way. You know so much, don't let the cigarettes and coffee destroy your beautiful mind. Don't let them get to it. Lock it with a key that's hidden deep inside of your heart, a place that no one is in. Not even me or you mum.  
  
Thank you for loving me despite all my flaws and fears. I'm trying to get past them.  
  
I loved you, Harry. But my heart couldn't admit it.  
  
That is why I couldn't love you.  
  
**Louis Tomlinson.**


	2. This is why you're my soulmate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I'm not hoping for overnight success, but if you happen to come across my story, thank you, I'm very grateful._
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> _Ps: I had a hard time trying to think of a name for this chapter, I liked so many._

_“There is a difference between someone telling you they love you and them actually loving you.” –r.k_

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_ “This is why you're my soulmate” _

(Please read this letter, don't ignore it when you see it at the bottom of all your mail. Please read it, Louis.)

The night sky has no meaning without you. The billions of stars that used to shine in your presence don't shine anymore. It's like you flipped the switch and turned them off.

Just like you flipped the switch on my heart, I can't turn it off anymore. It's always beating, yearning for you, Louis.  

Louis, how can you do it? Knowing that you have that kind of effect on me and still be okay?

It's like I'm dancing on my own, and you know how horrible I am at dancing. You always led me through all the steps.

You asked me for instructions to forget me, to fall out of love with me, and I don't have them. I'm sorry for not having the answer to many of your questions. I’m like a deer in the headlights when it comes to you.

I'm looking for a similar answer too. How do I fall out of love with you?

How do I forget you when everything here reminds me of you? When I'm going to take a shower after days of living under my covers and all I see are your expensive hair products?

Louis, I miss you. I miss you so much and it's taking everything in me not to go out and knock on your front door.

But I'm scared, Louis.

I’m scared that you'll reject me and that my hopes will get thrown out the window. Would you reject me?

Niall and Liam have come by and visited, they try their hardest to cheer me up. Liam even plays video games with me, can you believe it? But I can't even look at the screen because FIFA reminds me too much of you and your love for football.

And when I remember you the tears begin to well up in my eyes and suddenly I'm blinded by the tears that desperately want to escape.

And then, Niall notices and he switches the game and we all stay quiet in an uncomfortable silence with nothing but the memory of you floating around like a ghost.

I'm not upset with you, in fact if you showed up right now I’d invite you inside and we’d drink tea and maybe cry a little because we both know how much we’ve missed each other. And you'd stay the night and I would kiss your neck before falling asleep in your arms.

But that's only something I wish for.

I’d count the stars for you, Louis. I’d give up so many things to have another moment with you and I know we will. Just not right now, not tomorrow, not this month.

I've been  trying to find a reason to stay here. You're my anchor, Louis. How can I stay here and not love you? That's torture.

I'm holding onto the edge of the cliff, waiting and praying that you’ll come around and save me because my arms are beginning to cramp up and I've already lost feeling in my fingers.

But what if you don't? What are my options?

I can't climb back up because the branch that I'm holding on to is too weak and I'm afraid it will snap at any second.

My only option would be to let go, Louis. To let go and fall down the deep, dark hole that I dug myself.

If you're wondering what I'm talking about, don't google it. You already know the answer, you know what I mean. Because you're my soulmate.

You say that you don't believe in that because it only exists in fairytales. But I know you felt  butterflies in your stomach  when we first saw each other, I know your heart skipped a beat. I know because I felt them too.

That's why you're my soulmate. I can't live without you, I can't think without you and soon I won't be able to breathe without you. Because that's what happens when your soulmate gets taken away by the haunting past.

Louis, do you ever think of me? When you're lying in bed in the middle of the night, do you think of me? Because I do, I can't stop thinking about you and it's stressing me out.

I want to stop loving you but if I do you’d be left without a soulmate and I’d be a broken mess, hooking up with random men and being pathetic to try and forget you.

When you see someone drinking in a bar with one too many guys or girls around him, know that he's probably lost his soulmate.

I haven't lost you yet, I know it.

Gemma says it's sad that I'm waiting for something that's never going to show. I'm like an orphaned kid, waiting desperately for my parents to come and pick me up when I know they won't.

But she's wrong, she doesn't know a thing about love. She likes to live in her safe zone, she prefers playing it safe. And you know that I'm not like that, Louis. You know I take risks.

I took a risk by asking you out and you gave me the best year I could have ever asked for. I'm so grateful I decided to go to Niall’s Halloween party that night.

Halloween, Christmas, New Years and all those other holidays that follow aren't going to be the same without you. You were always the one to decorate the apartment, you had all the ideas.

Let me help you make peace with your past. I'll cure you.

I've got that special power.

Louis, I miss you. I miss your bright blue eyes and your silky hair and your goofy dancing, I miss everything about you.

I love you, I always will. I love you for who you are and I'm not afraid to tell the whole entire  world.

You're mine and I'm yours.

Don't ever forget that.

Don't forget me.

You didn't have to tell me that you loved me on our seven month anniversary, Louis. I already knew you did. Your bright eyes and the way the you looked at me was enough for me to know that you loved me.

I knew for a long time and I know that you knew too.

I choose you, Louis, I’d choose you over anyone. I choose a life with you because you're my favorite person.

You'll always be my favorite person.

 _That_ is why you're my soulmate, Louis.

 

_Your one and only, **Harry Styles.**_

 

 


End file.
